Nostalgia made me do it

Living in Southern California has it's perks. Being able to go to the beach when ever you have excellent weather is one of them. About two weeks ago I found myself with some friends at my beloved Manhattan Beach getting some much needed vitamin D and working remotely. Aside from the usual phone and books we also had badminton rackets and let's just say I was hyped. Back in the day, I would spend summers with my cousins in New Jersey and we used to go so hard playing badminton. We used to have so much fun and it was those fond memories that got me up and playing.

Let's be clear though. I was a bit scared to even try since it had been over two years since I tried to do any kind of sporting activity. My body doesn't move the same way. I was scared I would fall and hurt myself and cause further complications with my walking. But it was nostalgia that made do it and it felt so fucking good! Now, I wasn't playing at Olympian levels but I didn't care and the sand was way softer to fall on than grass or concrete. I played for about 15 to 20 minutes before calling it quits but I did it! I DID IT! The rest of the week I was recovering but I'm at the point that I just do what I want. The fatigue will be there anyway so fuck it. Might as well live my life than just sit back and let time pass me by. Some days are harder than others and there's so much that people don't see. And despite alllllll the crazy, anxious, scary thoughts I have I still manage to function and push myself more and more everyday. Beyond thankful that God blesses me with the strength to do more than I think I can.

It's been almost two years since my diagnosis and it's a daily prayer that the pain I feel every day goes away and that I can walk, run, jump and even dance like I used to. Until that day, I'll keep doing the best I can with what I have.

Photos by Noemad

This is MS

Like many people, I have about a million photos and videos in my phone that I had forgotten about. While scanning today I found this video taken 2 days after I was given the diagnosis of multiple sclerosis. As I watched it, tears started to stream down my face. These tears were tears of joy and happiness that I have come so, so far and that God’s love and blessings continue to pour over me.

Multiple sclerosis is an unpredictable, often disabling autoimmune disease where your immune system attacks your central nervous system damaging nerve fibers. When any part of the nerve fiber or myelin sheath is damaged or destroyed, nerve impulses traveling to and from the brain and spinal cord are distorted or interrupted, producing a wide variety of symptoms.

June 17, 2016

At the time this video was taken, I was still waiting on the results of my lumbar puncture, commonly referred to as a spinal tap. But one thing was for sure, I was not leaving the hospital for a minimum of 5 days to receive high doses of steroids, which is the usual treatment when someone has an MS flare or episode. The numbness and tingling I was feeling in my left hand, arm, shoulder, leg, toes and even parts of my face, was not improving with the steroids. And eventually the tingling turned into weakness on only the left side of my body, which is called hemiparesis. This was day 3 of being in the hospital.

Unfortunately, my symptoms didn’t improve. The steroids didn’t work. I was moved to another hospital for a procedure that the doctors ultimately thought wasn’t worth putting me through as it wasn’t 100% effective. They said, “Let’s give the steroids time to work.” So I was moved back to the original hospital to begin intense physical therapy. Instead of spending 5 days in the hospital, I spent 24 days there this first time. I was hospitalized 2 more times after for a total of 44 days during the summer of 2016 in the Bronx, without any treatment for MS.

Through it all I tried to smile and laugh as much as possible. This pic here is one of the few days that summer where it wasn’t over 90º. I couldn’t walk far so I had to use a wheelchair to get around the hospital. It felt so good to have the sun shine on my face and breathe some fresh air. You never realize how much the little things matter until you can’t do them, for whatever reason.

With countless hours of physical, occupational and speech therapy, I can confidently say that I am back to 90%. And with clean eating, pilates, medical marijuana, meditation/prayer and a positive outlook on life, I will only continue to get better. If I can come back from this, I (and you) can do anything.

I did not choose to have multiple sclerosis, but I do choose to fight it. For more on my story or to donate to my Walk MS team, click here.